Sunday, October 17, 2010

Rhinebeck Sheep and Wool

The festival was great. I've been away long enough to be MUCH more objective and made some interesting observations:
-Sherpa's work much harder when periodically fed blackout brownies, fresh hot cider, and lamb barbecue.
-Men never really stop..well...being men. They just look at you running from one shiny pretty to another as if you are a child at DisneyLand. It's spelled C O N D E S C E N D I N G and it's not your best look. Harumph.
-There are obviously NO mirrors to be found in the homes of most knitters. If there were they would NEVER be caught dead in some of those getups. Seriously...WHAT were you THINKING?!
-Don't wear a tophat with antlers and flowers on it and expect me not to stare. When you look at me indignantly and ask 'what are you looking at?' don't be surprised when I raise my voice and say 'Hey Lady! You got HORNS on your HAT!' you see, I can turn and walk away and the people surrounding us aren't looking at ME.
-Only a newby knitter would dare wear her first cabled sweater to stand in a line composed of other knitters and WAIT for anything. Darling, we have naught to do but count your cable errors and dropped stitches.
-It is extremely effective to peruse online to figure out what the current feeding frenzy item will be and who is selling that you can head in the opposite direction to scoop up the real finds in peace and solitude.
-Men are soooooooooooooo easy to buy for. You stand them 15-20 feet away from a wall of choices, they point in a general direction and tell you a general color i.e. brown, blue, red opposed to turquoise, chartreuse, sienna. You choose 3 options in their general color choice and bring one skein of each and they decide which they prefer up close and in the sunlight. and...DONE. 5 minutes at MOST.
-Let the diddle-heads spend all day holding skeins to their face IN THE DARK BUILDING no less to see which color brings out the blush in their cheek. Those of us who have made more than a potholder know damn good and well that the color you see now will a. change in the sunlight and b. fade in the first few washes.
-when some 'primitive purist' idiot starts on about how 'all these modern gadgets just do NOT exist in my world!' Wish her well in her world and leave. It's not worth the breath- TRUST ME.
-I am NOT impressed that you can knit without looking while leaning against the building in a prominent spot, wearing everything you knit in the past year (which looks like you didn't look while you were knitting BTW). I AM impressed at the woman who got her husband to take the squirming, screaming 3 year old to the animal exhibits while mommy uses the stroller as a giant shopping basket.
-Do not try to convince me that you actually LOVE the odor of Eau De Ram wafting off that fleece you want me to buy. This is not my first rodeo, you clown! I KNOW that vinegar will not remove that smell within the next decade and I don't care to be followed around by ewes.
-Do not...I repeat DO. NOT. expect to eat that chocolate dipped banana without drawing the gaze, snigger and outright guffaws of every adult near you. DO NOT be surprised when your photo performing fellatio on a big brown "banana" shows up on Facebook.
-If you are over the age of 50, have all white hair that you wear long, straight and unstyled, wear gauze skirts and desert boots and carry a huge hobo bag, please do not sit at the feet of the Peruvian music group and ogle their long hair and crotches. No matter how 'mystical' you find it, it makes them really nervous.
-If you are under the age of 25 (but older than 12), do not expect women who have spun the fine yarn, developed the complex cable pattern, and knit their jacket on size 1 needles to be impressed with your scarf and unshaped hand warmers that you spent 2 hours knitting out of LionBrand Super chunky yarn. Just don't.
-it is not true that dressing like a beatnik makes you look 40 years younger. No one wanted to see that view of your ass, trust me.
-it is also not true that everything matches as long as every piece is knitted in some type of variated yarn. Some things are so bad that they simply cannot be unseen.
-Do not try to impress me with your knowledge of 'all things sheep' after you just looked at my bag of raw wool and asked "what do you call that again?"
-If you raise Alpaca but do not take the effort to REALLY learn about Alpaca fiber, do not stand there and argue with me that YOUR Alpaca fiber is "finer than cashmere". I will choose not to resist the temptation to start pulling out not only the coarse guard hairs but the outright KEMP to be found in your yarn!
-Do not stand in a crowded sale barn, surrounded on every side by wool and proclaim that you are so allergic to "real" wool that you break out in hives at 30 feet. I will stare at your face and start asking 'WOW! did you have those welts when you left home? Trust me, I'm a nurse, I'd have that checked right away if I were you.' You leaving the building to examine your face will make more room for the rest of us.

Other than was a perfectly lovely day. :)